


100  More Ways To Annoy the Goblin King

by underground_archivist



Category: Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-17
Updated: 2011-05-17
Packaged: 2020-07-30 11:30:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20096560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/underground_archivist/pseuds/underground_archivist
Summary: Another 100 Ways to make you laugh so hard you squirt milk out your nose.





	100  More Ways To Annoy the Goblin King

**Author's Note:**

> Note from banshee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Underground](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Underground_\(Labyrinth_archive\)) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Underground’s collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/underground/profile).

  
Author's notes:

I own nothing!

* * *

1\. Give the Fireys coffee.

2\. Explain why he should bulldoze the Labyrinth and put in a Mall.

3\. Steal his armor and pretend to be a knight of the round table.

4\. Tell him he needs to get a round table.

5\. Dress up as him for Halloween.

6\. Assemble a Goblin Choir and teach them to sing...badly.

7\. Borrow the Wiseman's Hat and put it on Jareth's head while he's asleep. Take multiple pictures and put them on the Facebook you made for him.

8\. When he finds out and gets mad, ask him if he's on his 'man period'.

9\. Don't talk to him for a whole day, make him wonder if he upset you.

10\. Tell him that his ideal rapper name would be Big Krystal Balz.

11\. Refuse to tell him what a rapper is.

12\. Next time you see him, run up, hand him a piece of bread and walk away.

13\. Splash him with mud, then tell him in a sultry voice that he's a dirty, dirty, Goblin King.

14.Then throw a towel his way and order him to get cleaned up.

15\. Ask him when he's going to marry you.

16\. Begin planning a wedding, make sure to pester him with questions about what color roses he thinks would go with what color dress.

17\. Ignore him when he starts to bang his head against the wall.

18\. Tell him that coloring books are all the rage with kinky couples. 

19\. No matter how much he pleads, do not tell him what a coloring book is.

20\. Tell him his mind is too delicate for such matters.

21\. Walk past him carrying a coloring book and crayons.

22\. Hint that one of the female goblins has a crush on him.

23\. Set him on a date with a random goblin, tell him that she's one hot mama. 

24.Laugh at his reaction to a female goblin in red high heels and lots and lots of make-up.

25\. Wink and wish him a 'good night'. 

26\. When he comes back covered in red kissy marks, ask him how it went. *Wink, Wink*

27\. Run, because you know he's going to try to throttle you.

28\. Jump out of random places and say 'BOO!'

29\. Sing 'Dirrty' by Christina Aguilara every time he comes into a room.

30\. Tell him it's his theme song.

31\. Tell him that the eye-ball moss needs glasses.

32\. Cut his hair while he's sleeping, and when he wakes up insist that you needed all that hair to make a pillow.

33\. When he gives chase, say that he shouldn't run with scissors.

34\. Hide in his wardrobe and when he goes to pick out his clothes for the day, leap out and ask for directions to Narnia.

35\. Inform him that he's more fond of glitter than the average teenage girl.

36\. Tell him he's won an Oscar, then get the Helping Hands to give him a round of applause.

37\. Afterwards, insist that he shake _all_ of the Helping Hands.

38\. Steal his medallion and replace it with a gold clock on a chain.

39\. Say that you did it because you thought twelve hours was quite enough.

40\. Dress up as a black cat and cross his path. Meow when he frowns at you.

41\. Start a food fight with the goblins.

42\. Buy him hair gel.

43\. Argue with him about something stupid.

44\. Win the stupid arguement.

45\. Get him a ridiculous present that he doesn't need. Like a penguin music box.

46\. Buy him a self-help book entitled 'How not to be a stubborn ass'.

47\. Knit him a sweater that says 'Look Out World, The Goblin King is Horny!'.

48\. Make him wear it.

49\. Knit him a matching scarf that proclaims; 'Jareth's libido is on the rampage!'

50\. Point at his feet and tell him he forgot to tie his shoes.

51\. Laugh when he looks down.

52\. During dinner, tell him he dropped something on his shirt. When he looks down, flick him in the nose. (Finish your dinner quickly, then run to your room and lock the door because he'll be after you!)

53\. Switch his shampoo with hair dye (make sure it's blue!). 

54\. When he comes screaming at you, pretend you don't see what's different.

55\. Make him think that he's dillousional about it.

56\. Check him into a psych ward.

57\. Next time you see him, ask him if he's better. If he doesn't answer, make a tutting noise and reach for the phone.

58\. Do this until he throws your cell phone in the Bog.

59\. Ask him if he's ever asked the Helping Hands to do *other* helpful things with their hands...

60\. Say it again when he ignores you. Only LOUDER!

61\. Tell him he needs dance lessons.

62\. Admit you were kidding, then pester him for hours to make him give *you* dance lessons.

63\. Make him teach you the Mambo.

64\. Ask him if he'd be willing to join a goblin conga line.

65.Organize the goblins into a Conga line.

66\. Teach a couple of his goblins to play regae and convince them he wants to hear Bob Marley inspired music every waking hour of the day.

67\. When he finally can't take it anymore and searches you out, be sure to smile cutely, giggle and pinch his cheeks. Then say that he's adorable when he's angry.

68\. Whenever he talks to you, stare him, nod, then ask for him to repeat everything he just said.

69\. Next time he's in the same room, stare hard and long at the ceiling, DO NOT LOOK AWAY FROM IT OR THE PRANK WILL BE RUINED!

70\. When he glances up to see what you're staring at, snicker and leave the room.

71\. When he curses you, scold him for using such naughty-waughty words.

72\. Come up to him with a huge magnifying glass and look at him through it for a few minutes. 

73\. Give no explanation as to why you have the magnifying glass or why you just examined him with it.

74\. At breakfast, announce you've solved The Case of the Stolen Strudel.

75\. Accuse Jareth of doing it, then go into a detailed and elaborate explaination of how and why.

76\. When he argues that there isn't even any strudel in the castle, roll your eyes and say 'Duh! That's cuz you stole it all!'

77\. Call him Pickles every single time you see him.

78\. When he gets fed up and asks why, tell him Pickles got quite well with nuts..which you *think* he has..(at this point let your eyes travel slowly downward, but smile just before they reach the alleged AREA and look away).

79\. Ask him if his cousin is the Orc King.

80\. Steal all his clothes, then wear them yourself.

81\. When he yells tell him you are exploring cross-dressing and that there is nothing wrong with that.

82\. Sniff him.

83\. Don't tell him rather he smells nice or not. Just sniff him.

84\. Sniff his father.

85\. Sniff his mother.

86\. Do NOT sniff his Bog.

87\. He'll get fed up with all the sniffing eventually, so begin the licking!

88\. Remember that it is also essential NOT to lick any part of the Bog. Doing so would be extremely stupid and would give one horribly bad breath for the rest of one's life. Which would be a real turn off for any potential dates, I'm afraid.

89\. Steal all of his underware and replace them with yours.

90\. Pretend to be horrified when he finds out and snatch all of yours back, grumbling all the while you trudge back to your room about incompetant laundry goblins.

91\. Lock your door behind you, because he will only realise that you haven't returned *his* underware yet after you've gone back to your room.

92\. Rufuse to return his undergarments.

93\. Negotiate with him for a ransom.

94\. Make the ransom something very embarassing, but entirely necessary if he wants his underware to remain unmolested by certain parties...Cough *goblin females* Cough....

95\. Casually suggest afterwards that he could have just magicked up a whole new drawer full of them.

96\. Be prepared to hide for a long time in his room. It will be the only place that he won't look for you. Make sure to apply either way #28 or way #34 to this, but only if you have a clear escape route!

97\. Chain him to a chair and make him listen to you read an extremely boring book that explains how magic is not real and only exists within the human imagination. 

98\. Try to convince him that you would not prank him if he were not a figment of your insanity.

99\. Make him try to prove he is real.

100\. Tell him the only way that you would think he was real was if he were to kiss you and that- (you are suddenly cut off by handsome Goblin King lips).


End file.
